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New Zealand Qualifications Authority
University Entrance and Bursaries Examination, incorporating the National Bank of New
Zealand Ltd Scholarships
English
(Question Booklet)
Time Allowed: 3 Hours
Candidates should begin each question on a new page. Do not attempt to write on both sides of a page at the same time.
Do not sweat profusely all over your answer booklet. Bear in mind that the rest of your life depends on your performance during the next three hours. Your career prospects and financial well-being also depend entirely on this exam. Above all, do not worry.
Do not immediately start scribbling pages upon pages of notes. It irritates all the other candidates.
Section A This is compulsory and is worth 25 marks. All candidates must attempt this question.
Section C This requires candidates to find Section B.
Section B Oh! There you are! Ah Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.
Section D Same as Sections E, F and G.
If you are answering questions from Section B, do not answer questions from Sections E and G. If you are answering questions from Section E, do not answer questions from Section C. If you are answering questions from Section P youre doing the wrong exam.
Do not idly gaze around the room. There is bound to be some extremely attractive member of the opposite sex sitting next to you who will inadvertently spoil your chances of passing this exam by setting you off thinking about sex. Did you know that a student at your level thinks about sex on average 11 times every minute. That is one thousand nine hundred and forty times during the next three hours. Doesnt exactly give you much time to apply yourself to any of the work, does it?
Make sure you clearly indicate whether you require more paper or simply want to go to the toilet. You will regret having to pee into a cone of paper. It will be equally distressing if you have to finish off your exam on toilet paper.
Do not sniff, click your biro, flatuate, cry or attempt to bribe the examiners.
Please refrain from smoking marijuana in the examination room. Although it may ease the tension for everybody, some candidates will subsequently lose the ability to write or simply dribble involuntarily all over their papers.
Candidates intending to write about Shakespeare or a novel that they have studied this year had better be good at writing essays. If theres one thing I cant stand its stupid candidates like you who waffle on and pretend they know what theyre talking about when they obviously havent a clue. The markers will give you a 0. The Markers Decisions are Final. The Markers are not Bastards.
Man, why is it always sunny outside when exams are on, eh? Everybody else is outside lazing around in the sun and youre stuck in here trying not to fail this exam.
If you finish your exam early (Ha!), try and make the pen on your desk move using only mind power. If this works, get yourself an agent.
Do not look at the National Bank advertisement on the back page of this exam paper. National Bank keyrings, pens, erasers and other Bursary memorabilia are available from the NZQA. Ask your supervisor for details.
You may now begin. You now have three hours less the time it took you to read the above. (Bad luck if youre a slow reader.)
Please Turn Over Now.
Phil Hughson 7HW (1994) Yes, this is a satirical parody, no animals or stuffed toys were harmed in the production of this article and no insult was intended
well, it was all in good fun. We hope you realised that; were sincerely saying this because we dont want to get into trouble, were just poor students. Okay, okay, so a Web Team member didnt write this and we ripped it from an old HVHS yearbook
so what? Happy now? :) [Web Team home page
] [Web Team satire pages
]
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